Dicks in Space

The Union of Dicks

How it all began

For many moons, Dimitri, Steven, and Hugh bounced around from crew to crew, eventually all ending up on a rundown ship called "Milker of the Mists." As the name implied, this crew specialized in harvesting space milk from roving herds of Moo-don, or sea cows. One fateful day, an argument over a ham and swiss cheese sandwich resulted in a brawl among the normally docile crew, resulting in the death of every single crewman except for Dimitri, Steven, and Hugh.

With no one else to turn to, the three remaining crewmen bonded over their survival. Hugh became the de facto captain, Steven the crew's technician, and Dimitri the pilot. Not long after, while the crew was assessing the damage to their ship, a warlock named Lucien appeared on the bridge, seemingly teleported in from another plane. His patron, an enigmatic and powerful entity, had apparently decided this crew needed a fourth member. And so, the four became "The Dicks" and Lucien's patron, announcing itself, promptly renamed the ship "The Wet Dream."

The crew arrived at what Lucien told them was a Moo-don farm. They tried their best to steal space milk (semen) from Moo-don bulls. To their credit, they were initially quite successful, until the bulls became enraged, attacking the ship. The crew barely made it away, with the damage leaving them adrift in space.

Welcome to Flurnum Space

First encounters

Thus began the relentless playing of country music by "The Wet Dream," until mercifully after weeks of drifting, the crew came across "Starhaven Station," which to the chagrin of all except Lucien was a Flurnum capital station. The crew, having either never engaged with the Flurnum bureaucracy, or having done so a century ago, has no idea how to obtain Flurnums.

Much calamity ensues, resulting in numerous killings, including the kindhearted Captain Luigi. Aided by the illusive Vito, a man of status within the Imperium, along with a strange talking barrel full of cocaine named Groonch, the crew is able to steal a pleasure yacht, revealed as belonging to the station master Carlito Ploof. As they make their escape, they blow a hole in "Starhaven Station," resulting in a massive depressurization and untold number of deaths. Carlito makes a promise to hunt down the crew and retrieve his previous ship, "Carlito's Cum Cavern."

With this declaration, the crew looks around and realizes that every single deck of the ship is one sex dungeon more disgusting than the last. While mercifully, the majority of Carlito's man boy servants were not on board, it's at this point the crew meets Wogar who, realizing this may very well be a path away from the abject torture that has been his life, immediately agrees to join them. Lucien's patron manifests, announcing itself and renaming "Carlito's Cum Cavern" to "The Wet Dream."

Down Bad at Matt Foley's

The collective reveals itself

With the paraphernalia and overall disgustingness of the ship, the crew seeks to have it refurbished at a nearby space station. It's here that they meet Matt Foley and his band of weirdos, including Sir Sir. Members of the crew begin falling ill and acting strangely. It's only revealed before the final fight that each of them was being replaced by some sort of shapeshifters. The crew witnesses a trio of these goo creatures, who seem to be some type of plasmoids, take the shape of the deceased Dick Plurbo, and Skrog.

It's at this point that Carlito reveals himself, and similarly reveals that he is also a shapeshifter, removing his clothing in a manner which can only be described as disturbing, before reforming into a hideous beast. He announces: "You may have wanted a wet dream, but you're in a wet nightmare!"

The crew defeats him at great cost, with Dimitri almost dying and needing to be shoveled into an ice cream machine. They receive a call on their sending stones (which now also apparently display a video feed) and see none other than Carlito. He reveals to the crew that he is part of a collective of shapeshifters that has been infiltrating Wildspace and the Imperium itself, replacing those around them (including the fat perverted slob they chose to make their lead man) and seizing more and more power as they did so. With so many acting as Carlito, they can accomplish the work of 1,000 men, allowing "him" to continue rising through the ranks. He then asks if the previous Carlito delivered his "Wet Nightmare" speech, to which the crew lies, and he then does.

Double-O-Gar in Nipgripper

Simulation scenario

Now armed with a repair station and an ice cream machine, the crew assessed its plunder. Following a loud bang, the crew finds themselves in what appears to be a simulation called "Nipgripper" in which they are tasked with infiltrating the estate of an illusive man known by the same alias. Wogar is addressed specifically as agent Double-O-Gar throughout.

Once in the manor, the crew gets up to numerous antics, including setting the estate on fire multiple times, inadvertently witnessing a depraved sexual toilet act, and causing the humble Carp Face Kevin to get the absolute shit beat out of him. Oh, and some guy is violently murdered in front of Dimitri for violating the three-strike policy. Thankfully, Hugh completed the necessary tasks and the crew entered the Nipcrypt, defeating numerous monstrosities, before engaging in a final battle with Nipgripper himself, in an effort to prevent him from deploying his devastating "Gilded Grippler."

The Shithole of Wildspace

Crash landing

The crew found themselves back on the repair station, suddenly surrounded by Imperium commandos. Apparently, detecting the presence of a Flurnum vessel, "The Wet Dream" activated a failsafe system which heavily damaged the station, "The Wet Dream" itself, and the Flurnum ship. It also inexplicably activated the simulation equipment which was hidden in the bowels of "The Wet Dream."

A short fight ensued, followed quickly by a devastating crash that left the crew stranded on a strange desert planet. Initially optimistic, they almost immediately encounter "The Dune Platoon" who announce their names in quick succession before attempting to kill the crew. The crew manages to kill most of "The Dune Platoon," scaring the rest away. They make their way to the town of Shimmervaal, where the kooky Mayor Blorpa promises to pay them enough to repair their ship (which the locals found upstream of their town) in exchange for some help getting rid of their bandit problem. At this point the crew befriends Fuck and a guardsman named Gorbin.

They manage to track down where they think "The Dune Platoon" is, only to find Imperium commandos, clearly survivors of the crash. They attempt to kill these commandos, which goes awry, though they do fireball the remaining members of "The Dune Platoon," and push one of the commandos (one of the two who engaged in the weird bathroom sex) down a deep mineshaft. Still, they make peace, and the commandos reveal that they want to defect from the Imperium. They joined for more noble goals and somehow ended up serving under a sex fiend, subject to his perverted simulations. They reveal that a few of their crewmates have been taken by Gnoll. The crew fights through the Gnoll hive, finding the captured Imperium troops dead, but obtaining Gork and Mork.

A Christmas Miracle

Holiday horror

With the repairs well underway, the crew took some much-needed R&R. Returning to the ship with the final round of parts, Hugh was greeted by a strange sea elf named Liptar, along with Groonch, Fuck, Gorbin, and a hadozee named Bingo Bango Bongo, who are having a party on the top deck, all quite high on cocaine, blasting Christmas music. They reveal that they've been heavily messing around with the Flurnum simulation equipment, at which point the kooky Mayor Blorpa comes onto the ship dressed as Santa Claus and tells the group he needs help getting the town's presents back from Fingy Puddin'.

The crew made its way through a Christmas themed nightmare land, fighting tinsel and gingerbread men, and exhibiting an overall lack of whimsical Christmas knowledge. A robotic Santa promised to grant wishes, but instead mostly tormented the crew with messages about utter turmoil being wrought on their home worlds; except for Dimitri, who received a deliciously fresh ham and swiss cheese sandwich. The crew fights Fingy Puddin' (who is also Carlito) and his Blizzard Brigade.

They return to the town victorious, and Mayor Blorpa is about to award them with their earnings when a bloody Liptar suddenly entered the room and chopped the mayor's head clean off. He reveals that a lich took over the mayor, and using the Flurnum simulation technology was able to tap into dormant Imperium transceivers across the planet, subjecting them all to a Christmas themed dreamland while they were transformed into undead under the lich's subjugation. Thankfully, Liptar and his group of goons were so high they resisted the simulation and managed to fight the hoards of undead to get to the grand hall and finally put an end to the madness.

Welcome to PISS Town

Privateering begins

The crew, vowing never to return to this cursed planet (which they never even bothered to learn the name of) leave, and head to a free outpost known as the Rock of Bral. They enter a grimy bar and immediately manage to get into a fight with the locals. For some reason, after seeing this brash display, they are offered work by the Pragmatic Industrialist Society of Scammers (PISS), wherein they become privateers and are supplied with a bounty list.

The crew sets off to kill the illusive Tal Gilgalad. They succeed, killing Tal Gilgalad and most of his crew, leaving only the lizardman Vissq to be jettisoned in a lifeboat by Dimitri. Victorious, the crew takes Tal Gilgalad's Barracuda as their own, rechristening it "The Nocturnal Emission."

Word of the crew's victory over Tal Gilgalad spread throughout Bral, largely thanks to PISS, leading to a new, lucrative offer from the enigmatic trader Torgan Betz, who tasked the crew with delivering a sealed parcel to the drow colony of Silvermoore in the Noctis sphere. He asks that they take his trusted enforcer Dorum Larbo along. The deal was struck over drinks at the Drunken Neogi, a shady undercity bar.

The crew set out the following day. Halfway through their journey, they spotted they were being tailed by a fast-moving vessel known as a Firefly, with an insect-like design and a massive flame projector. Before they could react, Dorum betrayed them, nearly killing Dimitri and disabling the helm before teleporting away with the artifact.

Despite the betrayal, the crew managed to regain control of their ship and cripple the Firefly, forcing the enemy crew to attempt a boarding. The crew overwhelmed the raiders in a brutal skirmish, though their own crew performed poorly, ultimately destroying the enemy ship. Among the loot, they recovered the stolen artifact, a pair of gate stones capable of teleporting a person between them once per day, and Dorum's pocket watch, marked with the insignia of the Flurnum Imperium. The crew successfully delivered the artifact to Lady Elira in Silvermoore, informing her of the ambush and the Imperium's involvement. Impressed by their survival and initiative, she expressed interest in future collaboration. Oh, and at some point Dimitri found some urchins to join the crew.

He Who Squats

The cursed statue

Back at the dock on Bral, the crew spots a ship ablaze whose captain (Captain Thundersnatch) asks for help in removing a statue from the cargo hold. She reveals that she is being paid handsomely to transport the statue and offers the crew a cut if she can transport it aboard their vessel. She advises that it needs to be kept above deck, she was warned of the possibility of fire but chose to ignore it to her detriment. The statue itself displays a crude humanoid figure squatting atop a roughly carved pedestal.

Things get weird once the crew is underway, and they play a strange bowl of soup rum game that still doesn't make a lot of sense. The next night, a fog rolls in (in space) and along with it a dark craft whose occupants board "The Wet Dream" and announce they have come for "He Who Squats."

Steven took time to assess these boarders and ensure he was not about to commit a hate crime before the crew engaged in all out combat in which the non-player crew members turned against the crew at random, resulting in the death of every named crew member on the ship. The crew prevails, handily repelling the boarders, and defeat the nefarious Commodore Flushfang (who, in taking the long way around the ship, missed the entirety of combat). Captain Thundersnatch suggests they throw the statue overboard. She also announces her inability to pay. The crew agrees and ties her to the statue before doing just that. They then pile the corpses onto the dark craft and set it adrift as well. The crew recovers a bunch of junk from Captain Thundersnatch's quarters and regrets the entire adventure.

Dinosauruses

Contract killings

After their grim encounter with Captain Thundersnatch and the cursed statue, which forced them to kill many of their crew members, the crew returned to port, only to have what was left of their traumatized crew quit on them. Before they could regroup, a messenger boy delivered a letter from Torgan Betz, offering them a contract to kill Dohma Raskovar, leader of the Ivory Throne, and deliver his ivory ring to the bartender at the Rockrat.

The crew tracked Raskovar to The Gallows, where Dimitri charmed a mercenary into revealing that ordering a "boiling oil" would get them an audience with him. The meeting turned hostile when Raskovar rejected their offer of a duel and dared them to fight through his men. The crew accepted, carving their way through mercenaries and storming the hideout. After defeating Raskovar and his forces, including his pet dinosaur, the crew delivered the ivory ring to the bartender at the Rockrat and earned their take.

The Guardians of Flurmaloxy

Return to the cursed planet

Unfortunately, all of these tumultuous occurrences have taken their reputation with PISS and the people of Bral straight into the toilet. The same can be said of the remaining crewmembers who, having witnessed the death of their fellow crewmates and their leadership eccentrically spending their earnings on frivolous purchases while they live below deck in squalor and moisture, mutiny and steal "The Nocturnal Emission," damaging the ice cream machine in an attempt to steal it as they did so.

This leaves our crew in a bad state. They are essentially kicked out of Bral. Thankfully, as they are, they receive a communication from an unknown female. It seems that "The Wet Dream" took it upon itself to leave a set of sending stones on the shithole desert planet. She reveals herself to be the newly elected president of Flurmaloxy, one of the former Imperium soldiers named Farielyn Starweaver. She reveals that, since the crew departed, they have been hard at work trying to help the planet in the wake of the lich attack. While they have been successful in revitalizing Shimmervaal, it (and many of the surrounding settlements) still face constant bandit attacks, as well as attacks by vicious beasts.

With no one else to turn to, she and her advisors made the decision to hire a group of mercenaries that showed up one day calling themselves the Guardians. While they've been keeping the attacks at bay, they've done nothing to stop their cause. She begs for the crew's assistance, citing the success they had against "The Dune Platoon." Out of options, the crew accepts and still manages to negotiate a hefty contract.

The crew arrives at Shimmervaal at nightfall, where they're greeted by the town guard. They enter the town and head to the town square where they are engaged by "The Spicy Boys" and "The Blister Sisters." Initially shocked at the power of these groups, they quickly overtake their leaders, and are able to deal with the rest of the group soon after.

As they're about to eliminate the last bandit, a man comes out and begins playing his guitar, while the Guardians burst in and execute the bandit, claiming victory. Hugh is particularly disturbed by the one called Adam, who seems to be trying to make small talk with him. President Starweaver summons the crew and the Guardians to the great hall where it's discussed how exactly the groups will work together to deal with eliminating these threats once and for all. Wogar pisses on Gruub, who smashes him violently into the ground. Steven stands awkwardly near Mantis, hoping to engage her, but failing to do so.

A bulette bursts from the ground and attacks the group, with the Guardians nowhere to be found. The crew handily defeats the beast, with Bar Lord flying in to take the final shot. Wogar decides to butcher it in the great hall, and hits metal almost immediately, discovering some kind of Flurnum implant within the creature. President Starweaver advises that the crew take some time to explore the town and that once they've rested, she wants to make them another offer.

The crew heads to the spa. There, they meet the owner, Auntie Salt, and her masseuse, a halfling named Flora who unfortunately resembles a small child. Auntie Salt asks where the plasmoid that used to come so often is, but everyone leaves upon seeing Flora before this can be elaborated on.

Dimitri engages Bar Lord in a drinking contest. Dimitri wins, but Bar Lord throws smoke in his face. When the smoke clears, Dimitri finds himself across from Flora and hears Bar Lord outside yell "he's in there with a fucking kid man." Dimitri immediately leaves to find the rest of the crew, who are preoccupied with the town soothsayer. Not much is learned, except for a cryptic message about Lucien's father, and the revelation that Wogar will never learn to write.

Desert Revelations

The truth emerges

President Farielyn Starweaver privately briefs the crew, revealing her knowledge of their pasts and her own history with the Flurnum Imperium, which ravaged Flurmaloxy. She hires them to investigate recent attacks and the suspicious "Guardians," suspecting an Imperial plot. Leads include a bandit camp and a crashed Imperium research vessel.

At the ruined bandit camp, the crew finds evidence of a staged attack, including an enchanted Flurnum coin, a contract for "theatrical strikes," a Flurnum tech shard with plasmoid biomatter, and a psionic hum. After an ambush by bandits and Sand Wyrmkin, they discover implanted controllers in the defeated foes and a torn Guardian insignia. Lucien is unfortunately killed in this fight (shortly after making a huge deal about his name).

Investigating the crashed Imperium ship, they find holographic remnants of disturbing simulations (Christmas-themed horror, an erotic cabaret) and a "BIO-ENHANCEMENT LAB" with evidence of cruel experiments on creatures. They also discover a damaged climate module causing erratic weather and a log entry detailing aggression-amplifying implantation experiments overseen by Lt. Zyra Nywessi. During a sandstorm, a Sand Worm attacks, and the Guardian Mantis leads the crew to a hidden spelljammer.

Inside, Mantis reveals she is Sergeant Zyra Nywessi of the Flurnum Imperium, her mantis form created by a plasmoid field calibrator developed from captured shapeshifters like Pocket Rat. She confesses the Guardians were sent to "re-integrate" Flurmaloxy through controlled attacks and manipulation, admitting to implanting wildlife, criminals, and civilians. Regretting her actions, she offers to help the crew.

Returning to Shimmervaal, the Guardian leader Bar Lord accuses the crew of being Imperial agents and attacks them. Zyra intervenes, reverts to her human form, and exposes the Guardians as the true Imperial agents, revealing their deception and manipulation of the local populace and wildlife. Enraged, Bar Lord reveals his true identity as Captain Zoltan Kragg and confirms the Imperium's plan to reclaim Flurmaloxy. He activates a remote; the other Guardians (except Zyra) teleport away, while explosions cripple The Wet Dream and the Guardians' ship, also damaging the town square.

In the aftermath, President Starweaver, Zyra, and the crew plan to salvage the Guardian ship's long-range transmitter to send a false signal to the approaching Imperium fleet and use other parts to repair The Wet Dream. Starweaver asks for their help in preparing defenses, cementing their alliance against the Imperium.

The Siege of Shimmervaal

Stand against the Imperium

Following Captain Kragg's betrayal, Shimmervaal was in shock, but the exposure of the Guardians' deceit also galvanized the populace. President Farielyn Starweaver and Zyra Nywessi rapidly outlined a plan: salvage the wrecked Guardian spelljammer, "The Glorious Protector," to repair "The Wet Dream" before the threatened Imperium fleet arrived. President Starweaver introduced Lieutenant DuPont, a guilt-ridden but skilled ex-Imperium officer (and secretly Severin) who requested to assist the crew to atone for being deceived by Kragg.

Following some menial tasks around town which were unfortunately necessary to ensure the proper repair of "The Wet Dream," the crew returned to the Imperium research vessel crash site. Their objective was to use the damaged comms tower to send a false report to the approaching Imperium fleet, posing as Captain Kragg. The mission involved a treacherous climb up the leaning Spire, powering up and stabilizing the damaged comms console, and then forging a believable message while bypassing Imperial security protocols. During this, they faced threats from "The Funkle Bunch" bandits and a re-awakened Sandworm.

Deep within the husk of the crashed Imperium vessel lay the Climate Regulation Module. The crew chose to weaponize it, though ultimately forgot to use this ability. The crew returned to an eerily silent Shimmervaal. They discovered that Major Moonshade had betrayed them, aiding the remaining Guardians. Lieutenant Wynthera was found tending to a gravely wounded guard near the body of Lenny "Smokes" Barris. Hostages were taken, and Kragg, after executing the former mayor's wife and Moonshade to make a point, revealed the tank's arrival.

The battle for Shimmervaal erupted. The crew had to defend key locations and civilians from the tank and the goblin warband. It was during this brutal fight for the town that Severin made his final, heroic stand, sacrificing himself to save others. The formidable warrior Dakka made his presence known, heroically engaging the tank.

With Captain Kragg's dying breath, he activated a holographic projector. A colossal image of Minister Drel Voren of the Flurnum High Council appeared, addressing Flurmaloxy. Voren denounced the Shimmervaal government and the "Guardians" as illegitimate, blaming them for the region's instability, and announced that an Imperium fleet and his own 81st Legion were already moving to "restore order" and oversee redevelopment. As Voren's speech concluded, massive Flurnum Imperium cruisers filled the skies, and an entire division of Flurnum Enforcers materialized at the destroyed gates of Shimmervaal.

Flight to Veridia Three

A new home

Following the devastating siege and the Imperium's arrival at Shimmervaal, the surviving crew and townsfolk made a desperate escape aboard the now-repaired "Wet Dream," narrowly evading Imperium pursuit. With options dwindling, Zyra proposed a risky gambit: her old, abandoned research outpost on Veridia Three. This moon was known for its proximity to a First World rift, the same one Severin had used to come to wild space. Her lab was the site of "Project Verdant Growth," where Zyra's attempts to create rapidly terraforming flora/fauna failed catastrophically due to fey energy contamination, resulting in hyper-aggressive, tech-hostile mutated life.

Zyra theorized that using a sample of Severin's fey-infused biomatter, she could create a "Fey-Resonance device," which, when deployed, wouldn't destroy the mutated ecosystem but would disperse sympathetic fey energy, creating a temporary "pacification field" to repel the flora and fauna within the town. After navigating to Veridia Three and confirming its perilous nature, Zyra constructed and deployed the device from orbit.

The crew landed at the port of the Veridia Three settlement. The overgrown surface structures were largely intact. Zyra led them to the entrance of her subterranean laboratory, warning the pacification field was likely weaker underground, where the original mutations might have concentrated or evolved uniquely. The lab was a dark, damp, and hazardous environment choked with strange, mutated plant life. The crew battled various aggressive plant creatures. It was during this encounter that Wogar was overwhelmed and tragically killed by the mutated flora.

Deeper within, in a sealed, environmentally controlled section they discovered racks of unusual, dormant eggs, similar to the one Wogar had carried. Zyra recalled this as The "Chimera Companion" project, a sidelined project to create genetically engineered, loyal companions. Steven hatched the egg, and now has a small bioluminescent otter companion.

With the lab cleared and the immediate danger neutralized, the "Fey-Device" had rendered the surface settlement area habitable and defensible, although the wider moon remained hostile. President Starweaver, impressed by the crew's tenacity and Zyra's ingenuity, formally addressed them. Acknowledging their dire need for a secure, hidden base away from Imperium reach, Starweaver offered the entire lab facility, including the surface settlement and the cleared underground lab, to the crew to use as they saw fit. They elected to burn it down given Wogar's death within, electing to move into the structure next door. President Starweaver also impressed upon them that the town now needs their help both to raise revenue and to establish covert shipping lanes.

Vito and Starlight Stromboli

Closure and reclamation

Following their summons by the Veridia Council, the crew of the Wet Dream accepted a high-stakes contract from the shadowy restaurateur, Vito. Their mission: travel to the smog-choked, Imperium-controlled world of Cignus Prime aboard Vito's Starlight Stromboli and eliminate a crew of pirates aboard their former ship, the Nocturnal Emission.

Transported by Vito to the grimy underbelly of Port Krell, they were met by their contact, the twitchy and disgruntled Corporal Groat. The corporal, fed up with the hypocrisy of his superiors who ordered him to ignore the pirates, reluctantly led the party to an abandoned industrial sector, pointing them toward a massive hangar bay before making a tactical (and treacherous) withdrawal.

Inside the cavernous Bay Lambda, the crew found their target ship, but the pirates waiting for them were a sickening surprise. It was their own former crew, Bingo Bango Bongo, Fuck, Gork, Mork, Groonch, and Thing 1, resurrected as grotesque, cybernetically enhanced puppets of the Imperium. A brutal and deeply personal battle erupted amidst the decaying machinery. As promised, Corporal Groat's betrayal came in the form of an inbound squad of equally downtrodden Imperium "peacekeepers," turning the targeted fight into a chaotic three-way melee.

The crew fought with a grim determination born of personal history, focusing their fire on the monstrous echoes of their past comrades. Dimitri, in a particularly violent display, personally beat both the skulking Thing 1 and the sentinel Gorbin to death with his bare hands. One by one, each member of the resurrected crew was put down for good. With Imperium forces attempting to restore order by shooting at everything that moved, the party fought their way to the Nocturnal Emission, powered up its systems, and successfully stole the vessel, blasting out of the hangar and leaving the grim aftermath of their reunion for the Imperium to clean up. Vito promised everyone free stromboli.

Hell Comes Aglitter

Devils in the details

The crew's morning at their new estate on Veridia Three was interrupted by Gertie the Boomsmith, who arrived to summon them to the council chambers. While stalling Gertie at their house, the crew discovered a surprising collective talent for piano playing. The council, having waited for multiple murders to occur before seeking help (much to the crew's irritation), formally requested their aid in solving the "Crystal-Heart" murders - a series of killings where victims' organs were turned to blue kyanite and their crystallized hearts surgically removed.

During their investigation, the crew's inquiry led them through various witnesses and crime scenes, uncovering infernal symbols and alchemical clues. That day, they were ambushed by four Bearded Devils. While bullying these assassins, the crew made the bizarre discovery that all of them had been frequenting Dimitri's sandwich shop in disguise, referring to him exclusively as "the meat man."

The trail eventually led to Kendrin's Fine Works, where they confronted Jelfi, a desperate gnome gemcutter who had made a pact with a Gilded Devil for unsurpassed skills in exchange for delivering crystallized hearts. The crew killed Jelfi without hesitation. In the basement workshop (a lair Dakka had unknowingly helped excavate), they found the Gilded Devil lounging atop six perfectly cut kyanite hearts. The devil openly explained the bargain and offered the crew 5,000 gp worth of gems to simply walk away.

When the crew refused his offer of riches, the Gilded Devil expressed disappointment, revealing that he too was one of Dimitri's most loyal customers, frequenting the sandwich shop disguised as a man with an obviously fake moustache. It was also revealed that the devil and his crew had infiltrated Veridia Three aboard one of Vito's Stromboli delivery vessels. Despite this connection to "the meat man," the crew killed the Gilded Devil. Following the combat, President Starweaver arrived in the basement, upset that Dakka's excavation request hadn't triggered red flags for him. With both Jelfi and the Gilded Devil brought to justice, the council paid the promised reward.

Return to Form

Three months later

Three months after the siege of Shimmervaal, the settlement on Veridia Three has grown into a bustling haven. The council summoned the Dicks for an important mission: securing an old strip mine three miles into the hostile jungle for conversion into a hidden spaceport. This required extending the Fey Resonance field by activating four beacon towers at the mining complex corners, each overgrown with years of unchecked mutations.

Journeying into the green zone beyond the protective field, the crew encountered a massive dormant shambling mound covered in candy-colored Whimsy Cap mushrooms. Unable to resist, they harvested some, with Dakka immediately consuming one and developing temporary synesthesia.

Deeper in the jungle, they discovered the Memory Garden; a field of beautiful flowers that had lured an Imperium mining crew to their deaths. Each flower contained trapped memories that needed to be arranged chronologically at a workstation. After Dimitri's first incorrect entry caused psychic damage, the crew successfully solved the puzzle, with Dakka unceremoniously ripping dog tags from the skeletal remains of Pilot Rendix to confirm his identity. They obtained the override code 7-4-1-1 and learned the beacons needed activation northwest first, then clockwise.

At the mine entrance, awakened trees fused with mining equipment blocked their path. Through Dante's Primordial translation, they communicated with the suffering trees and carefully removed the painful drill attachments, allowing the grateful trees to peacefully uproot themselves.

The northwest beacon was consumed by a massive Corpse Flower that communicated through scents. Again using Dante's Primordial abilities, they negotiated with it, but activating the beacon severed its power source, sending the flower fleeing angrily into the jungle. The northeast beacon required reprogramming a corrupted mining laser system that had become a bio-tech hybrid with luminescent fungi.

At the southwest beacon, they battled an Excavator Shambler; a horrific fusion of shambling mound and mining equipment. Mid-combat, Arty and Deladrin crashed through wearing ridiculous plant disguises. During combat, Dakka repeatedly torched Dante with his flamethrower, prompting Dante to repeatedly drown Dakka in retaliation until he learned to aim better. The assassins fled via malfunctioning jetpacks after their defeat.

Following the battle, Steven's resonance detector led him to a concealed Thri-kreen hibernation chamber. As he examined the ancient pods, visions of star charts and a vast civilization flooded his mind, along with the phrase "the swarm remembers." However, upon returning to consciousness, Steven promptly forgot everything about his heritage; though the ancestral phrase continued echoing in his mind without context.

With all beacons activated and the mine secured, President Starweaver and Zyra arrived with Vito's stromboli fleet. Zyra's examination of the Thri-kreen technology revealed it predates the Imperium by millennia. Starweaver raised concerns about how Arty and Deladrin knew exactly where to find the Dicks. Vito, unusually nervous, hinted that his "special navigation" through rift zones wouldn't remain secret forever and suggested they needed alternatives.

Strange Bedfellows

The Unbound alliance

The Unbound, distinct from Carlito's collective, reached out to the crew with an offer of alliance. Unlike Carlito's faction which seeks to REPLACE oppressive systems with themselves in charge, The Unbound are anarchists who want to DISMANTLE systems entirely. They escaped the First World alongside the Carlito faction but have a fundamentally different philosophy.

Key members of The Unbound included Vex (they/them), the Diplomat, constantly shifting form, speaks in chorus of voices; Ripple (she/her), the Warrior, predatory form with living tattoos; and Mold (he/him), the Scientist, scholarly but manic.

To prove the crew's trustworthiness, The Unbound asked them to infiltrate the Southern Hulks, an Imperium prison flotilla consisting of 18 derelict spelljamming ships lashed together around a massive asteroid. Their objectives were to rescue 15 shapeshifter prisoners from Project MORPHOS experiments, steal Imperium research on shapeshifter detection, and escape on the supply ship "The Blessed Father."

The crew navigated through the brutal prison ecosystem, encountering various faction leaders including Cole (gnome scavenger leader), LaVelle (grung warrior), Scoot (myconid harvester), and the monstrous Kevil who ruled the flotilla. Along the way, they discovered the horrors of Project MORPHOS, an Imperium research program with two branches: SYNTHESIS (creating artificial shapeshifters, all failed) and DETECTION (identifying infiltrators, successful).

In the laboratory, concentrated shapeshifter pheromones triggered two significant events: Steven's egg hatched, producing Snarf, a morph-kitten companion with shifting fur and the ability to detect shapeshifters; and Dimitri discovered his true plasmoid nature, gaining shapeshifting abilities and realizing his "human" form was just one possibility.

The crew successfully rescued the shapeshifter prisoners and stowed them aboard The Blessed Father, with Captain Sylvia Ficus (a by-the-book but honorable Imperium captain) agreeing to transport them after being shown evidence of Project MORPHOS's atrocities. The rescued shapeshifters joined the Veridia Three community.

The Unbound, satisfied with the crew's actions, provided them with shapeshifter detection scanners and intelligence on Carlito's infiltration of the Imperium, including a list of confirmed agents and information about "The Archon Protocol," a contingency plan if infiltration reaches critical levels.

A Pirate's Destiny

The Barbarus Fleet

The crew was contacted by Loken Barbarus, a naive young goblin pirate who claimed they were "old associates" (despite having never met). Loken needed help retrieving ceremonial items for his "promotion ceremony" to captain of the Barbarus fleet: The Quiet Crown (already obtained), a pre-Imperium meditation aid; The Soulanchor Compass, a navigation device at Imperium Customs Station Zeta-9; and Aged Voidwine, ancient wine from a comet estate.

The crew infiltrated Customs Station Zeta-9 using shapeshifter disguises, navigating bureaucratic obstacles to steal the Compass. They discovered that these "ceremonial items" held darker purposes: the Compass revealed each person's deepest desire, hinting at its true consciousness-binding function. Loken became increasingly influenced by the Crown, his voice occasionally taking on an ancient cadence.

The wine was located at Glixus's Comet Mansion on Apostae, a mobile estate built on a frozen comet with arcane propulsion engines. The crew infiltrated a black-market wine tasting party, encountering various criminals and contacts including Director Koss (from Zeta-9, secretly an Elven Coalition spy), Baron Thaddeus Crimsonmantle (a 300+ year old vampire who befriended Hugh, for whom Hugh stole a self-stirring spoon), and Captain Zhara Barbarus (Loken's cousin, who sensed something was wrong).

The crew discovered Glixus's true nature: a 350-year-old wine merchant bound by a pact with Urgathoa. He had unknowingly hosted consciousness transfer rituals for Morty Barbarus 46 times, his memories modified after each ceremony. The Aged Voidwine preserved consciousness during transfer, and Urgathoa's pact required the wine to be STOLEN (genuine deception powered the ritual).

Returning with the wine, the crew was INVITED to witness the "ceremony" at the same mansion. In the Pre-Imperium ritual chamber beneath the wine cellar, they discovered the horrifying truth: the ceremony was a consciousness transfer ritual; Morty Barbarus had been body-hopping for 400+ years across 47 generations; Loken's mind would be erased, his body stolen; and the party had been manipulated into participating. Urgathoa required witnesses who helped gather the items.

In the confrontation, Hugh killed Glixus during the fighting. Reaching the ritual chamber, Hugh ultimately approved of the ceremony proceeding. Morty successfully transferred his consciousness into Loken's body, and "Loken" now leads the Barbarus fleet.

Captain Zhara Barbarus, rather than turning against the crew, came aboard as an ally. With the truth revealed and Morty's position secured through the crew's assistance, all Barbarus fleets became loyal to both Morty/Loken and The Dicks.

The manor on Apostae was taken over by a new owner, a man from the casino room whose name remains to be confirmed.

The Architect of Genocide

Session 1: Discovery

An Elvish delegation arrived at Veridia Three bearing terrible news: 287 infected, 43 dead from a mysterious neural phage. Sentinel Aelindra and Counselor Starweaver were among the infected. During the emergency council meeting, Steven experienced violent visions: ancestral memories of a vast civilization being torn apart.

The crew traced the phage to Research Outpost Theta-7, where they confronted Dr. Keras Vynn, an elderly bioweapons scientist dying from his own early prototype. Vynn revealed the full scope of Project Echo: a multi-species genocide program commissioned by the Carlito shapeshifter faction. The Thri-kreen genocide 68 years ago was merely the prototype, a proof-of-concept for species-targeted bioweapons. Vynn had since developed variants targeting elves, humans, dwarves, orcs, and others.

In his final act, the dying Vynn released multiple phages across Imperial space, infecting millions, before the station began its self-destruct sequence. The crew escaped with the Project Echo database, K'tharax coordinates, and the horrifying understanding that the Scattering, the event that nearly destroyed Steven's people 68 years ago, was not a natural catastrophe but a deliberate genocide.

Echoes in Stasis

Session 2: Investigation

With the phage spreading exponentially (Aelindra dead by Day 8, half-elf researcher Ezzra infected and deteriorating, Starweaver symptomatic), the crew raced to K'tharax, an ancient Thri-kreen colony ship. There they found 2,000 colonists trapped in 72-hour temporal loops for 68 years since the Scattering. The ship's AI, MYRMIDON, a merged collective consciousness of Thri-kreen minds, offered impossible choices about the colonists' fate.

Steven gained Dimensional Sight as he accessed fragmented memories from the collective, learning that the complete cure formula was preserved in a Memory Vault on Trellis, Hugh's homeworld. The crew collected critical memory fragments, but the cure data was incomplete without the vault.

As Ezzra's condition worsened (she continued working despite her own infection, using herself as a test subject with clinical detachment), the crew learned that Hugh's homeworld held not just the cure but painful truths about his family's complicity in the Imperium's atrocities. Gertie sent a message confirming what she'd discovered: Trellis was built on Thri-kreen ruins, and the Memory Vault lay 203 kilometers south of Trellis City.

Blood, Boom, and Choices

Session 3: Resolution

On Trellis, the crew was approached in a bar by an odd cadre of Dicks, Ricks, and other strangely named men. A Kobold named Rust gave them a lead on the Records Office, where they discovered that Governor Ashford had signed execution orders for Gertie's parents (Engineers Thorne), who had stumbled upon the Memory Vault six months prior. Worse, Hugh's mother had been killed during phage testing on Trellis 15 years ago. The false prosperity of Hugh's homeworld concealed decades of Imperium experimentation.

Rust led the crew to what he claimed was a shortcut, but it was a trap set by Arty and Deladrin. The crew killed both attackers, only to watch them dissolve into goop, revealing that every encounter with the pair had been shapeshifter impostors. The real Arty and Deladrin, their identities stolen by the Plasmoid Collective, later surfaced alive.

Rust took the crew by rickshaw to the Memory Vault, an ancient hexagonal crystal structure containing billions of Thri-kreen memories. Steven and Dimitri together absorbed the memories, destroying the vault in the process but obtaining the complete cure formula.

Confronting Governor Ashford, he admitted to signing the execution orders for Gertie's parents but denied knowledge of Hugh's mother's death. As The Plasmoid Collective began assaulting Trellis, Ashford helped The Dicks escape the planet. Gertie executed Ashford as they left.

A massive fleet battle erupted in Trellis orbit: The Plasmoid Collective against The Dicks, aided by the Barbarus clan and the resistance fleet. Unexpectedly, the heavily damaged remnants of the Third Fleet arrived, already battered from covert plasmoid attacks on the revived Fleetstravaganza. Together they defeated Carlito. Ray, the pilot who had volunteered since the earliest days, gave his life in the battle, the only casualty on The Dicks' side.

High Commissar Drel Voren emerged, having faked his assassination years prior using a shapeshifter body double, and requested the cure for millions of infected Imperium citizens.

In the aftermath, Vex of the Unbound volunteered first, permanently surrendering shapeshifting, and numerous shapeshifters on Veridia followed, sacrificing parts of themselves for the initial cure synthesis; off-world Unbound retained their abilities. The Imperium hunted the near-extinct Plasmoid Collective and used their biomatter for mass distribution. But the phage had destroyed the biometrically-linked Flurnum currency, severing biometric links even in asymptomatic carriers, with gold reserves woefully insufficient. Combined with the catastrophic military losses from the plasmoid fleet attacks, the Imperium fractured. The main government pulled back to New Thespera; the Elven Coalition seized the name and what remained. Voren's Concord stabilized the Pact Worlds region with the Third Fleet. The economic devastation created the vacuum that corporations, especially EJ Corp, rushed to fill.